Thursday, 26 May 2011

All my fears hit me at once.

I’m going to put today down to hormones, but from the moment I woke up this morning I’ve had nothing but fearful thoughts about home, work and looking after 2 children.  They hit me in the following order.
·         I’m too tired to go to work today.  Baby has been kicking me all night.
·         In 3 months I’m going to be too tired to do anything.
·         Cry
·         How will I get Holly ready for nursery with a small baby as well?
·         What should I have for breakfast?
·         I can’t make a decision
·         Cry
·         Yeah, this shower is making me feel a bit more human.
·         Will I have time for a shower with having to drop Holly at nursery and look after a baby?
·         I’m going to be a smelly mum
·         Cry
·         Pull yourself together and go to work.
·         My desk doesn’t fit me anymore
·         My clothes don’t fit me anymore
·         Nothing in my life fits me anymore
·         Cry
·         Bit more crying
·         Crappy emails about work issues
·         Cry
·         Why am I crying, I normally love sorting out these kind of problems.
·         Soon I won’t have these problems to sort out.
·         Soon I won’t be anything but a mum
·         Can I afford to just be a mum?
·         Will I have a job to go back to?
·         Will I be up to going back to work?
·         How can I be a good role model if I don’t work? I’ve always worked
·         Cry
·         I know a bit of fresh air and bacon butty will see me right.
·         Eventually managed to turn the tears off and get some work done.
·         Maybe I just needed a good cry!!

1 comment:

Working london mummy said...

Oh I am sending you a big hug. I dont think working makes you a less of a mum and I am sure your little one (and one to be) are so incredible grateful that you are their mummy. Working makes it so hard and so full of guilt but when you are home it is all about quality time and full of love and fun. Each step of parenthood is hard so in the end you will handle 2 just fine the same way you had to learn to handle the first one as a first time mum. It all works out in the end I am sure x